It has been an interesting and extremely busy but joyful couple of days. Communing with nature, people, friends, babies, a shark, a huge python, and then the past knocking on my consciousness today, not once but twice... but with nothing positive to say. That's why they say when the past comes knocking, don't answer - it has nothing new to say.
I was surrounded by babies yesterday morning. Four, to be exact - all cute as buttons, gorgeous uncaring little blank slates, lying wriggling on their colourful little blankies, playing with their mobiles, cooing, dribbling like a leaky tap as the odd first tooth tries to make its determined way through those tiny pink baby gums, A room with lots of bubbies, their gorgeous young mums, and the room smelt divine, of hope, talc, and the joy of new beginnings. I revelled in it, in fact spent a fair portion of the morning down amongst the infants, fascinated by their ease with their world, enjoying their moments, with no thoughts of an hour ago or an hour forward, until the time would arrive when hunger would strike, they would insist, and be rapidly appeased, only to sink back into contented slumber and blissful little half smiles on their pure baby lips.
My gorgeous 14 year old daughter sits beside me, playing too, and it wasn't so long ago that she was one of these tiny unfettered miracles who know how to just be, and by instinct. Too soon, they will take on board the world around them, and develop their own little worries and insecurities. But for now, they are perfectly perfect. Complete with scant hair, wobbly chins, chubby legs and toothless smiles, they know they're adorable and so do we. A smile sends we adults into raptures, a careless giggle - what could be better? I'm grinning from ear to ear, and when I leave two hours later, my smile muscles ache.
An afternoon kayak with a lovely friend follows, and we paddle peacefully among lots of happy humanity, out enjoying their day, whether they're barbecuing, singing, dancing, boating, fishing, swimming... they are embracing all that's good in the world, and so are we, both singularly, together, and collectively, just feeling the gratitude for the happiness state we get to enjoy so very, very much. It's raining when we start out, and that matters not as we'll get wet anyway. After a while, we get some sunshine and then it goes again.. then we swim, and sit, and talk, and contemplate, just enjoying our now, which is the best spot to hang out. It's time to head home, and we then decide to take the dog for a run to end the afternoon. Big doggy smiles all round at that one! Then an amazingly delicious Thai dinner follows, where I get to try lots of different and unusual tastes - for a kid that used to subsist solely on pizza and coke and a hell of a lot of sadness and pain and total loneliness, I've come a damn long way, with still far to go... and man I'm loving this journey!
Today I woke up to the past stalking me overnight again via Facebook.. a semi regular occurrence, even after eight years of blocking, deleting, not reacting, hoping this thorn in my side will go away someday. It's not a sharp one anymore, more like an occasional prick (no pun intended!) just reminding me that perhaps there's still something that needs to happen there, before that particular wound will be allowed to heal forever. I ponder it, finger paused on the Block button that I've hit fruitlessly so many times before. And because these days I think and act so differently, my mind turned to a positive way of dealing with something so negative.. and I sent a positive message. And then hit the Block button. Time of course will tell if this was the action that needed to happen to end it forever, but as they say, there's madness in doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. I'm positively hopeful, and meanwhile there's a good life to lead...
We then caught up with some old, old friends, and it struck me the stark contrast between two of the three present. Two positive, seeing the good, feeling hopeful, smiling and enjoying the now.. one negative, looking for more negatives to feed it, and satisfaction in finding what they were looking for. Because the world is a truly cruddy place when your mind and actions are set in the negative, and never in the Now. Regret over what's happened to you, anger about why things never go right for you, as you struggle endlessly in the trenches at the whim of the world which keeps kicking you in the teeth over and over again, and ever harder. The Universe wants you to pick yourself up, learn the lesson, so it can move on to the next one. The Universe is a patient teacher, but it gets a bit tired of waiting for us to get it. If you spend too long on it, the pain becomes horrendous and the doom and gloom self perpetuating. And I don't know how you can get off that particular treadmill. Nobody could help me get off mine either; but anyway I always had plenty of company on there so it was a safe miserable place to hide... until I had to take the great leap of faith when life became just so painful that I couldn't go on in the way I was living. I'm hoping those I care for will get there also, and can't wait to welcome then when they do!
A phone call tonight (my second past comin' a-knockin') and this one from about a quarter of a century ago (gosh, am I that old!) and I immediately felt the angst down that phone line; it fairly vibrated with it! Kind words, positive encouragement, and I'm trying to share the joy, light the way forward, even just a flicker might be enough... sometimes it's all one needs, to start finding their way out of the darkness, but only if they're open to it at that particular time.. The door slamming shut firmly, not once but a few times, any positivity rejected cleanly and completely; they are not ready yet for such an alien concept when one's life situation is so dreadful in its complete hopelessness. All that anger, kept under lock and key, and some of it almost escaped, but was then quickly forced back into its Pandora's box and the lid nailed shut.. until next time. I'm sad for them, and yet it's their journey and their choice to make, whether they believe me or not. And they don't.
As I munch my last jam drop biscuit, freshly baked by the lovely apprentice baker in the family this afternoon, I'm happy to finish this post, not to spread the negativity around, but to give you hope and a bit of insight, so far as I'm able to in my limited and very amateur way because I'm still a Johnny Come Lately in this happy game I now call Life... but oh I'm learning so fast...
It's just as easy to be positive as it is to be negative.
It's as easy to smile as to frown.
It's as easy to be grateful for what you have, instead of what you don't have.
It's as easy to be proud of yourself, as to beat yourself up.
It's as easy to spread the joy and love as it is to keep your sadness and disappointment locked away.
It's as easy to grow as it is to stand still.
And it's as easy to enjoy life and whatever it offers, as it is to not embrace it.
If I could have learnt this years ago, I might be a wise old owl today. Better late than never I say, and that goes for everyone else. It's never too late to become the positive and amazing human you were born to be. It just involves letting go the past, embracing the Now.. and the future will take care of itself.
It's that perfectly and beautifully simple.
Smile, and the whole world smiles with you. Frown, and you walk alone, sister.
Yours in positivity....Xxxoox
I can almost see it.
That dream I'm dreaming, but
There's a voice inside my head saying
You'll never reach it
Every step I'm takin'
Every move I make
Feels lost with no direction,
My faith is shakin'
But I, I gotta keep tryin'
Gotta keep my head held high
There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be an uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose
Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waitin' on the other side
It's the climb
The struggles I'm facing
The chances I'm taking
Sometimes might knock me down, but
No I'm not breaking
I may not know it, but
These are the moments that
I'm gonna remember most, yeah
Just gotta keep goin',
And I, I gotta be strong
Just keep pushing on, 'cause
There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be an uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose
Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waitin' on the other side
It's the climb
Yeah
...Miley Cyrus, The Climb
